I don’t write like this very often, but when I do it’s as real as it gets. I asked God to answer some questions for me recently, and He was not hesitant, not one bit, to answer. Quickly. It blew me away, really. As my girlfriend recently pointed out, if this confuses you, feel free to read my last post “A Rose, A Me” which may help you better understand my out of the ordinary approach of looking at life and receiving life.
Psalm 31[a]
For the director of music. A psalm of David (aka Raisa, not a director of music, just a wanna-be bass player & lover of music).
1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
19 How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.
21 Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
This right here describes just a piece of what I have been pleading with God about recently. There’s so much I’ve been learning this past year, it’s incredible. In the meantime, I’ve been doing it on my own. Slowly I required less and less of God’s help. I knew He was there, I felt His presence, but slowly it was less of Him and more of me. Don’t get me wrong… Outwardly, nothing changed. Internally, little by little, almost un-noticeably even to myself, things got more fuzzy. Like a darn pix-elated picture that no one can see except me! (This happens a lot.) Breaks my heart when I see a published magazine (even a free one) that the front cover is fuzzy, or slightly pix-elated…. Ughhh. Gross.
So why was I feeling something different? Why do I even care to question it? Nothing seems to have changed, nothing is the matter, life is wonderful… yet deep down inside, I know there’s something I need to hear and see, right now. This is where I started seeking. I know no one could answer that for me, except the Creator himself. He created me, He knows my innermost thoughts, He knows me. Here’s what I needed to see and share.
Why are we so scared to be “broken”? I think it’s because we are taught by society that it’s not acceptable. It looks like we don’t know who we are, don’t know what we want. We are taught to show how put together we are. You see, brokenness is vulnerability. Vulnerability is easy access to our heart, and to give access to our heart for others to see, is dangerous. Dangerous because people have the ability to walk all over us, hurt us, lead us astray. We feel as if vulnerability, or brokenness, is an open wound, so we close the door to vulnerability, and continue on playing the part of perfection. We are good. We are fine. We are tough. Therefore, we give physically & emotionally. We love, we care for, we go out of our way to encourage, to make people feel important, to uplift our spouses, children, friends, loved ones… We do, do, and do. But the question is, do we receive? Well… yes you may say. We receive love back from all of these people, we let them in… But what are they giving back? Sometimes, it IS words of encouragement, prayer if we are lucky, love, support… but a lot of times what we receive from these individuals is heavy weight, bad news, sadness, grief, concern, burdens. Now this is all healthy, of course! We share with one another the good and the bad, yes, but do we take time from these day to day life moments and allow ourselves to really BE FILLED and given back to? You know what I’m talking about. The FILL that no person can fill, the true peace and comfort that never fades away.
This past year I have given so much of myself, so much love and friendship but made no room to be given back to, from the right source, the lasting way. Not that it wasn’t temporarily received from friends, my church, or even my most wonderful, incredible, God fearing man that I am so very blessed with and could not live life without… Because it was received. But there has been several instances, one extremely tough one, that made me glaze internally and recommit myself to NEED to receive back from the only One that can give what my being longs for. I gave love, true and innocent love through my eyes, but it was MY love. My love is not perfect, and it let me down. It became twisted, and used for evil. My love is not worthy, the only way it can be worthy and pure is if it is love that flows from the One True Love. The magnificent thing about allowing love that flows through from above is that it requires no strength of our own. I WANT to admit I’m broken like David does in the above scripture. This week, I’ve become “broken pottery”, not through my mistakes or self-preservation that makes me feel broken, or hurt, but broken before the eyes of My Savior. I NEED to be vulnerable before Him. My vulnerability causes His spirit to penetrate mine so I can be more like Him, so I can love and give FROM Him. My love and my giving just dries me up, I want to be filled up by His fullness, His perfect love so that I can give His, and not my own! This is perfect love. Love that is not confused with anything else, that is not seen as for any other intention, and does not hurt those that we truly love! The brokenness we allow of ourselves, of the outer shell, the fleshly part of us, the need to be thrown off in order to bring the good things that are in us, the God things. I believe we should all strive for that revelation to be broken before Him, to be totally dependent on God to deliver us from ourselves. And be proud of those moments.
I encourage you, if you’ve not done so, to get down on your face, and let God fill you. His fulfillment will not only fulfill you, but everyone you love too. It will flow through you and out of you. Just ask, and He WILL give. Maybe not over night, like it was for me (mine was just loooong over due) Just wait on Him. Wait, and He will speak. It will not be a voice that you are un-sure of, when you ask, He WILL answer. And you WILL know. The important part is to listen.
This sounds like maybe I’ve gotten it all together now. Ha! The opposite. This makes me want less of me, MUCH less of me. It’s definitely going to take more time than just the 5 days I was granted for my whole house to be turned into a prayer closet. But I’m starting here and now, breathing in His grace.
-Xoxo